A Better Question

Recently, I was listening to a podcast about the life of Michael Beasley, a former NBA and Kansas State University basketball player. During the conversation, Beasley was talking about how people judged him for his decisions in life. He often felt misunderstood or distorted by people around him. He then said a line that resonated:

"You judge my decision, but you don't know my choices."

It stuck with me because that has happened to me.

It happened while I was teaching religion at my old Catholic school. It has happened with friends, family members, and even my wife. People have been quick to judge me. They craft a story of me having an ulterior motive, a scheme to manipulate them into doing as I will. Even when my actions were sincere, I could be vilified.

That situation can make a man cold. He will reach a point where it feels like nothing he does matters because others will misrepresent him.

There is a bit of truth to that.

No matter what we do, a story can be fashioned to make our actions appear selfish, foolish, or malicious. We cannot completely control how others interpret us. The temptation is to become cynical or to begin living for approval. Neither path leads anywhere good.

Instead, we should do what is morally right. We should do our best to accurately convey ourselves and our intentions, but ultimately, we cannot force others to understand us. We are called to do what is right, whether we are praised, criticized, understood, or misunderstood.

The Stories We Create

While we desire to be understood, we must also learn how to understand others.

We fall prey to false narratives as well.

Man is a narrative-making machine, eager to connect the dots, even if they do not exist. While this ability has benefits, it can also cause others to suffer. Too often, we mistake assumption for discernment. We fill in the gaps of a story and convince ourselves that we know the truth.

My solution to this problem is simple:

Be curious.

Curiosity as Charity

Every person you meet has a wonderful story to tell.

God has crafted their lives with a unique narrative that will never be exactly repeated. We have a wonderful opportunity to hear that story and truly appreciate who that person is. All we have to do is be curious about the person. I suggest we approach people with a genuine curiosity, free from judgment, but eager to love.

I have seen this play out when people meet a stranger. They are the kind of person who can talk to anyone, and within five minutes, they are friends. They possess a genuine interest in the people around them.

Something more challenging is to take this approach with the people in our daily lives. Our curiosity has to take a different form. Instead of learning a new story about a person, we use curiosity to better understand their choices.

When we encounter a difficult situation, we can make an assumption and declare that we know why someone acted as they did. Or we can ask a question. We can be curious.

Instead of accusing, we learn. Then we can address the problem as allies instead of enemies.

A Necessary Disclaimer

This approach does not work with everyone.

Some people are malicious and will take advantage of another person's kindness. Some people are dishonest. Some people genuinely intend harm.

Curiosity is not the abandonment of discernment. Rather, it helps us gather the information necessary to discern well.

Most people you interact with are not malicious, and you may be surprised by how effective this approach can be.

This Week's Challenge

Before forming an opinion about someone's actions this week, ask one more question.

When a coworker frustrates you, a spouse disappoints you, a child acts out, or a friend says something that bothers you, resist the urge to immediately explain their behavior.

Instead, become curious.

Ask a question.

Listen to the answer.

You may discover that the story you created was incomplete.

More importantly, you may give someone the gift we all desire: to be understood.

Forge Ahead

Anvil: the place of formation.

Arrow: the mission we're sent on.

The world needs more men formed in virtue. Forward this to a brother who is ready to grow.

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